July 3, 2011

There are so many changes that I'd like to see in the next year.  Mostly within and without myself.  I hate to mention going on a diet or starting a workout program again because I can't seem to stick with anything.  It makes me feel like such a failure.  I have no idea what I weigh, because I just can't stand to get on a scale.  I know it is around 240 pounds.  I wear a size 20/22 pants and my shirts have to be at least an XL or larger.  I hate that I can't find clothes that fit at "regular" stores.  My sex life is in the toilet.  My bloodpressure is high every time it is checked.  But yet, I still keep sneaking food, drinking tons of Coke, and moving as little as possible.  What a train wreck.  I'm going to start walking for 30 minutes each morning, but I don't think I'm going to mention it to any one.  I think I just need to start out slow and not try to rush things.  I mean, I've gained that last 40-60 pounds in 3 years, so it's not like I gained it over night ~ so I'm probably not going to lose it all in the first month.  I'm not mentioning it to my husband, though, because I know that in his eyes it's like ~ yeah, right, again.  Not going to spend any money on anything right now, either.  I have everything I need....a treadmill, tennis shoes, workout videos.....lol, with all that I have I should be in fantastic shape running circles around everyone.  I'm just tired of being the fatest person in a room.  The most out of shape person.  I could give a shit less what I weigh, if I could buy normal clothes and be able to walk around without getting winded.

So, this is the plan:

• walk 30 minutes every day.....not worried about speed or distance, just moving for 30 minutes each day.
• try to eat less.....add in a couple of salads each week
• vent on here.....since I can't talk about this with my husband until I've made some progress and have made things a habit, I have to talk to someone.....so here it goes.

Since I'm not going to worry about the number on the scale, I guess I'll have to go by how my clothes are fitting....that's probably a better gauge anyway.

Anyway, wish me luck!!